My Immortal
by Ishbu girl
Summary: James and Lily have been married for a few years now, but their love has died leaving them within a broken marriage and emotionally numb. Will they ever learn to love again?
1. Broken Love

Imaginary 

The Fallen version has the intro verse moved to the end.

_oh.. paper flowers  
oh.. paper flowers_

_I linger in the doorway  
Of alarm clock screaming monsters calling my name  
Let me stay  
Where the wind will whisper to me  
Where the raindrops as they're falling tell a story_

_In my field of paper flowers  
And candy clouds of lullaby flowers  
I lie inside myself for hours  
And watch my purple sky fly over me flowers_

_Don't say I'm out of touch  
With this rampant chaos - your reality  
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge  
The nightmare I built my own world to escape_

_In my field of paper flowers  
And candy clouds of lullaby flowers  
I lie inside myself for hours  
And watch my purple sky fly over me flowers_

_Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming  
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights  
Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming  
The Goddess of imaginary light_

_In my field of paper flowers  
And candy clouds of lullaby flowers  
I lie inside myself for hours  
And watch my purple sky fly over me flowers_

_oh.. paper flowers  
oh.. paper flowers_

I always hated people who were as bright as sunshine during the mornings, those sane people who always woke up and would just have a good day to their choice. I especially hated them since I had not had a good day in two years.

I know that I probably sound like a cranky old woman, but truth be told, I am twenty-seven years of age. Yep, twenty-seven years old and already unhappily married. My husband, James Potter, is the reason to my bad days. Just his presence is enough to stir me up and cause my blood pressure to rise.

That is only if he could get any reaction or emotion from me at all. Most of the time I was like him, emotionally numb. I figure that is the only way we are able to still live together without too many attempted murders.

I walked into the conference room in the Ministry of Magic. An emergency auror meeting had come up for this morning. I already spotted Alastor Moody in the front of the room, his magical eye spinning around the room in clear inspection for any dark wizards.

I seated myself in the middle section, keeping myself a fair distance from Moody. A few moments later, Remus entered the room and sat a few seats away from me. He turned and smiled at me kindly, the way he used to when we were friends at Hogwarts.

" How are you Lily?" he asked quietly. I shrugged my shoulders and stared at him, numb.

" The same as always. You?"

He nodded his head.

" Same. Didn't you and James come together?" he asked me curiously.

I shook my head, his question not really bothering me.

" No. I don't know where he is. He didn't come home last night."

I watched as his eyes filled with sympathy for me. Sympathy disgusted me more than my husband cheating on me. Honestly, I did not care too much of the second.

" Remus, I've been going through this for two years. I really don't care." My voice was cold; colder than I wanted it to be with Remus.

As we talked, most of the others filed into the room, chatting with friends and co-workers. James and Sirius, of course, were the last to show, after the meeting had begun.

They leaned against the wall until the meeting was wrapped up. Lily stay seated as the other aurors began chatting with one another excitedly. I was never really apart of their friendship circles. Even in school I never really hung out with a particular clique or group of people until I started dating James. And now it was awkward to hang out with them. Even as I sat alone and quiet I could feel Sirius's penetrating stare burning into the side of my head. His blue eyes held a certain coldness in them that was unmistakable. He blamed me for James' and my ruined marriage. I knew why. He was his best friend and would always take his side, even in the wrong. But I blamed nobody for our crumbled relationship. After all, some things were never meant to be.

I grabbed my purse and rose to my feet, ready to exit. Just as I placed my hand on the door, Alice Longbottom, one of my only female friends, grabs hold of my arm.

" Lily, are you leaving already?" I clenched my jaw into a smile and nodded, no words leaving my mouth.

" I was hoping you'd go out to brunch with the rest of us. It would be really great if you would. Please don't say no." I was about to flatly refuse when I noticed that hopeful look burning in her blue eyes. I then realized I hadn't really spent any time with her since Hogwarts. It had been great when we were both newly weds. We had so much to talk of. But now things were different. I hardly even wanted to think of my husband, much less talk about hers.

I sighed softly and nodded, unclamping my hand from the brass doorknob.

Just then my eyes caught James' and I knew he could read me like a book from the evident smirk on his face.

000

Somehow our brunch lasted far into the late afternoon. Obnoxious laughter filled the room along with cigarette smoke and the smell of spilt whiskey. My head was beginning to throb from the noise and smoke, making me tired and irritable. The glass of butterbeer sat in front of me untouched, the glass sweating profusely.

Gloria and Amos Diggory, who were engaged and soon to be wed, sat discussing their vows with the rest of the table, and receiving a lot of laughter and input from other couples.

" Oh, I can remember every word of our vows. It's so funny, but I was afraid right before the wedding that I would forget them in front of everyone, so I ended up reciting them over and over again and it has stuck with me ever since." Alice giggled loudly as she spoke. She then turned to me with that same cheerful expression, pulling everyone's attention to me also.

" What about you Lily? Do you have any romantic moments or stories dealing with your wedding or vows?"

I could feel the headache spreading to my temples and behind my eyes. My voice was cold as I answered her.

" I don't remember our vows, not like they matter anymore."

All of the girls began to look slightly depressed. Alice sighed and pressed on.

" C'mon. There must be something."

I shrugged my shoulders, unable to think of anything. And then James spoke up, his voice deep. Honestly, it sent shocks through me to hear him speak up.

" There is something. It was when we were still training to be aurors. I had gone into the men's locker rooms to quickly get my stuff from my locker. And when I opened up my locker, there was a white garter hanging from the hook with a note attached. On the note it had all of her vows written across it, saying she wanted me to know them before the wedding."

His eyes met mine and the strange feeling of sudden memory enveloped us both. I drew in a deep breath and blew it out slowly, running my fingers through my red hair.

" Wow, I had forgotten about that. It's amazing how things change." I spoke softly and soon left the table. Just before I left I saw him nod his head.

" Yes, quite amazing."


	2. Not Really There

_I took their smiles and I made them mine_

_I sold my soul just to hide the light_

_And now I see what I really am_

_A thief, a whore, and a liar_

_I run to you (far away from this town)_

_Call out your name (giving up, giving in)_

_I see you there (still you are)_

_Farther away_

_I'm numb to you, numb and deaf and blind_

_You give me all but the reason why_

_I reach but I feel only air at night_

_Not you, not love, just nothing_

_I run to you (far away from this town)_

_Call out your name (giving up, giving in)_

_I see you there (still you are)_

_Farther away_

_Don't leave me here, by myself_

_I can't breathe_

_I run to you (far away from this town)_

_Call out your name (giving up, giving in)_

_I see you there (still you are)_

_Farther away_

_I run to you (far away from this town)_

_Call out your name (giving up, giving in)_

_I see you there (still you are)_

_Farther away_

_Farther away_

_Farther away_

_Farther away_

_Farther away_

_Farther away_

Evanessence

I was finally home. Our large house seemed so quiet and empty; lonely. I actually managed to stumble into the bedroom, still able to be amazed at the fact that we shared a bed.

I laid back against the pillows on the king sized bed, ready to get comfortable and fall asleep. Just as I closed my eyes, a tawny brown owl flew into the room and dropped a letter into my face before leaving through the window.

In frustration I grabbed the letter and unfolded it, my eyes scanning the parchment.

_**You're Invited To A Celebration On All Hallow's Eve**_

_**Location: Sirius Black's Majorly Awesome House**_

_**When: 7:00 pm- whenever you are sober enough to crawl through the door**_

_**Wear Costume for the festive evening and prepare to Party!**_

I groaned and crumpled up the parchment. It would be rude not to go. After all, Sirius was once my friend. I rolled onto my feet and proceeded to create a costume for the night.

000

At about ten at night, I was woken by James sliding into bed next to me. I honestly would have been more excited if Voldemort had crawled into bed with me. Not exactly something to be proud of.

I curled up into a ball a resumed my dreamless sleep.

000

Mornings were never my strong point. I woke up to the sounds of James shuffling around the room as he dressed for work, which was what I began to do once I woke up. I brewed a pot of coffee before I pulled on a white dress shirt and black skirt. I combed a brush through my knotted red hair before pulling it back into a tight bun. I didn't even put on my heels until I was ready to leave.

James and I left at the same time, apparating to the Ministry's Auror Dept.

There was already a stack of files a mile high sitting on me desk when I walked into my office. At times like this I was beginning to feel more like a secretary than a dark wizard hunter.

At about noon, my wonderful guardian angel Alice showed up at my office, bearing gifts of food.

" Oh, you have no idea how much I love you right now." I said gratefully, taking the bowl of soup from her hands. She sat in the leather chair opposite my desk, already digging into her lunch.

" So, why aren't you eating lunch with Frank today?" I asked her curiously. She laughed and shrugged her shoulders.

" I see him way too much at home. It's nice to take a break and hang out with my friend for once."

" Yeah, I know what you mean. But then again, I don't. He's hardly ever home, but when he is, I've had enough of him." I took a bite of the beef stew, savoring its delicious flavor.

" So are you going to Black's Halloween fiasco?" Alice had a humorous twinkle in her blue eyes, her face remaining calm.

" Yes, sadly I'm going. I don't even know why he invites me. He treats me like shit if he's not ignoring me." My tone was bitter and cold.

" Hmmm, kind of like your husband."

I rolled my eyes and shook my head.

" No, James doesn't exactly treat me like shit. He just ignores me."

Alice looked down at her watch and sighed, jumping to her feet. As she was walking out the door, she stuck her head in one last time.

" Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow night, then. Tata for now."


	3. Perfection

_**Evanescence**_

"_**Everybody's Fool"**_

_**Perfect by nature  
Icons of self-indulgence  
Just what we all need   
More lies about a world that**_

Never was and never will be   
Have you no shame? Don't you see me?  
You know you've got everybody fooled

Look here she comes now  
Bow down and stare in wonder  
Oh how we love you  
No flaws when you're pretending  
But now I know she

Never was and never will be   
You don't know how you've betrayed me  
And somehow you've got everybody fooled

Without the mask, where will you hide?   
Can't find yourself lost in your lie

I know the truth now   
I know who you are  
And I don't love you anymore

It Never was and never will be  
You don't know how you've betrayed me   
And somehow you've got everybody fooled

It never was and never will be  
You're not real and you can't save me  
Somehow now you're everybody's fool

It amazed me still that the world did not know of our marital problems, especially since the media was constantly in our lives. James was the heir of the Potter fortune, from a line of pureblooded world-renowned aurors. We were constantly interviewed for the fact that we were two of the world's top aurors ourselves.

Sadly, today was one of those days. Nobody except close friends had ever seen past our facades of perfection, and it actually made me sick how we constantly put up the act.

I always fixed my hair and makeup before leaving the house, always looking my best, which in their eyes was close to perfect. James and I walked down the stone steps of the Ministry as we exited, our masks of happiness in place.

Reporters swarmed around us, shouting out questions.

" How does it feel to be two of the world's greatest aurors?"

" What are your plans for the future? Are you thinking of children?"

" What's it like to be so perfect?"

A middle-aged woman directed the last question at me as she smiled, holding her wand under my face. I had stopped in my tracks, but I simply smiled brightly at all of them and continued on my way.

Her question haunted me even late into the night.

I stepped out of the shower and wrapped the white towel tightly around my torso. I stared back at my reflection in the large mirror, my emotions starting to come to life. It was as though a spark were being set within my blood.

_What's it like to be so perfect?_

The reporter's voice continuously echoed through my mind, driving me mad. Here I stood before my own reflection, my own truth, and it hurt.

" I wish I knew." I whispered softly. I looked down on the counter at the stack of magazines that always seem to travel from room to room throughout the house. At the top of the stack was the latest magazine with James and I on the cover. My own photograph stared back at me, beautiful and vixen like.

Hot tears began to prickle my eyes and I turned my vision back to my reflection, staring in horror at the vision before me. And then suddenly, my fists pummeled into the large mirror and I screamed.

" I hate you! I hate you! Liar! Liar!" my voice was shaky and I sank down to my knees, watching as my reflection was shattered into a million pieces, as though it were being cloned.

With my back against the wall, I hung my head down and cried, my bloody hands staining my white towel. James ran in a moment later, a look of concern etched across his features when he saw what happened. Walking closer, he kneeled before me and picked up my wounded hands, picking the shattered glass from the gashes. His movements were almost caring, almost gentle. Almost……

My tears stopped and my mask was back into place, as was his. The close contact was strange and alien to us both, and I fidgeted uncomfortably. A moment later, he place a clean white towel against my injury, applying the needed pressure.

After my hand was bandaged, he quietly left the room, leaving me to my disturbed thoughts. Standing shakily, I brushed the bits of glass off of my towel, and carefully moved my bare feet towards the door. And with a wave of my wand, the mess was cleaned and the mirror fixed. Oh how wonderful it would be if life were that simple.


	4. Stronger Than Willpower

" _**I would rather you hate me than to feeling nothing for me at all." –N.L.D.**_

The music caused the blood to pound in my ears, a rush of adrenaline coursing through my veins as I stepped into Sirius's house. It was all people from the Ministry as well as a few old friends from Hogwarts that attended, creating quite a full house.

I smoothed out the wrinkles from my nurse uniform, feeling slightly self-conscious. I had never been real well with showing off my body, including tonight. I spotted Alice dressed as a geisha, but I made no move to walk over and talk to her. Instead, I simply wandered over to a corner and blended in with the shadows on the wall, I suppose you could say.

It wasn't long before Sirius Black showed up before me, a drink in hand. He did not look all that much like a friendly companion, at least not to me.

" Lily, I'm surprised you showed. You usually don't show your face in public anymore, at least, not among us." He spoke snippily. I simply smiled and shook my head. Sliding passed Sirius, I walked over to where James, Remus, and Frank were gathered. The look of surprise that crosses their faces when I snatched the drink out of James' hand lazily was priceless. I took a casual sip and bit back a cough. Apparently the substance was not butterbeer, as I should have known. James' had always been more of a heavier drinker than I, which was the perfect explanation to why he was consuming Firewhisky.

He raised a skeptical eyebrow at me, and his eyes glinted the remnant of a smirk. He apparently still knew me better than I thought.

" Apparently your tastes have changed over the years." He spoke coolly to me. A cold malicious smile tugged at my lips, and I watched him pale slightly as I commented.

" Apparently yours have too, love. But let's not linger on the past when we have such a lovely present. Dance with me James." I gave him no chance for a reply, instead grabbing his hand and steering him onto the dance area of the room.

The colored lights painted rainbows across our bodies as we moved in unison to the beat. My hips swayed dangerously close to his, and I could feel the pulsations of the music flow through my veins, mixing with something much older than time itself. It was a feeling that had been vacant in me for years now; lust, pure and strong.

His arm slipped around my waist, pulling me against his body, the same hunger apparent in his own eyes. It was some time later that my mind was clear enough for me to realize that he had me pinned against the wall, his mouth smothering mine passionately.

My eyes scanned the premises, startled to realize that we were home. Somehow we had managed to apparate home without my apparent knowledge.

His fingers nimbly unbuttoned all of the white clasps running down the front of my nurse uniform, and I quickly shifted out of the clinging material. My legs immediately wrapped around his waist as his hands roughly roamed across my back and bottom.

I barely noticed when he unclasped my bra, and cooperated when he moved to pull it off of me. His pants had been long gone, the cause of my wandering hands during his adventure of stripping me of my clothes. I quickly worked to remove his shirt, my hands fumbling over the costume buttons and clasps.

I was about to cry out in frustration when I just ripped the material open the rest of the way down. He chuckled wryly, his voice hollow and cold, no longer warm and rich the way it once was.

" Anxious much?"

I closed my eyes and sighed as my hands roamed over his freed chest and back.

" Just shut up and fuck me already."

Doing as commanded, he dropped across our bed, careful not to land on me too hard. I only dared to open my eyes again when he had entered me. Sadness filled me when I stared into his eyes. In their hazel depths was no affection or any emotion. This man who was thrusting into me in the movements of lovers felt nothing for me. It was at that moment something in me snapped. I could not explain the phenomena or feeling, just that it was life changing.

For the first time in years I felt something other than the cold hollowness that had fill me. I was confused by the rush of emotions, and held on tightly to my husband as the waves of pleasure enveloped us both. I wondered if he had felt the sudden change, but I knew there was no such luck when I stared once more into his cold hazel eyes.


	5. Back To Work Again

My eyes fluttered open the next morning when I felt the bed shift. I turned my gaze to the figure stretching on the floor, and blushed. For the first time since before my marriage I felt shy around him. Blood pounded in my ears as I watched him stroll gloriously naked to our conjoined closet.

Taking the chance with his back turned, I gathered the sheets around myself and made a run for the bathroom, only to trip over the remnants of our scattered costumes from the night's actions. The loud crash of my knees colliding with the hard wood floor caught his attention, and he quickly turned, his curious gaze lingering over my fallen form.

A judging smile splayed upon his lips, and he simply shook his head in disbelief, turning his attention back to the closet.

000

My head felt fuzzy all day, and my nerves were shot. Though most would call it the after effects of partying, I myself was not so sure. The moment I stared into my own reflection, I nearly had a heart attack. I looked seriously hung-over. I stepped gingery into the lounge.

" You look hung-over." Alice blurted out to me, a little too loud for comfort. I had to admit, I felt about as crappy as I did when hung-over, only I did not have that much to drink. And to think, one was supposed to feel great after sex.

This fact only confirmed more that I was indeed abnormal.

I simply smiled viciously at her confirmed truth, nodding slowly as I felt my way to my desk. Alice followed me, bound and determined to make me talk. She seated herself opposite of me on the edge of the mahogany desk, her eager face shining brightly as she stared at me with hopeful eyes. I glared at her from where I sat in my chair.

" Well, what happened last night, Lils?"

I averted my gaze from hers', feeling my cheeks burning brightly with the intense memories that surfaced.

" Oh my Goddess! You had sex!"

I cringed at the crudeness and sharp pitch of her words. My modest upbringing had turned me into a little prude.

" Must you shout it for the whole building to hear?" I asked her hoarsely, squeezing my eyes shut at the headache threatening to rupture in my head.

Alice waved off my comment as though it were merely nonsense a child would produce. Her expression took on a devilish gleam, her eyes darkening with curiosity.

" So… how was it?"

" Alice! Goddess, don't you ever know when to drop things?"

My head dropped down into the cradle of my arms, my mind swirling with mixed emotions.

" Drop what?"

My head shot up ungracefully at the rough voice that filtered into the room. I quickly shut down all emotions all put on what my daddy would call a _poker face_. Remus stared at me curiously, the stack of files floating neatly beside him.

" Nothing. Can I help you, Remus?" I inwardly cringed at the bitterness of the words, but I didn't relinquish my guard.

" Yeah. These are the latest sightings of Death Eaters over all of Europe. Moody wants you to study them and come up with some sort of method to take care of the situation."

He dropped the stack on the table by my door, before turning sharply and walking away. I groaned, knowing that it was going to be a very long day.


	6. Shaken Up

James POV

She stood so innocently in the kitchen when I arrived home, Sirius and Remus on either side of me. I really had not expected to see her home so early from the office, but of course, she could probably say the same for me.

Her long red hair hung down her back in a loose pleat, several strands slipping loose from the weave. Her hands shook violently as she quickly chopped a leaf of rosemary and added it to the empty container beside her on the counter.

I took a better look at her shaking hands, noting the several bandages already wrapped around her fingers. Her head jerked up when she heard us enter, a startled expression crossing her tired face. The knife slipped and yet another slice was added the assortment already doctored on her battered hands.

She swore quietly before rushing to the sink, running the bloodied appendage beneath the stream of cool water. It must have been one of those muggle habits she just couldn't shake, because her wand would have cast a very nice healing charm to all of those cuts along her hands.

I was not real sure what was wrong with Lily, only that I knew that there was a fair chance she would burn down the house if she was not monitored. Pulling my wand from the pocket of my robes, I strolled over to where she stood and grabbed her hands. The action caused her to flinch as though the mere contact burned her. So this was how she saw me now.

Her eyes averted my own, her gaze concentrated on the floor as though dear life depended on it. My mouth opened and shut automatically as I considered pushing the issue, but then my gaze found Sirius and Remus, both standing idly on the other side of the spacious kitchen.

I simply brushed past Lily; no words exchanged, and walked into the den, my friends following behind.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

" The cold hearted shrew has finally lost it!" Sirius yelped out rather bitterly, a triumphant sneer etched across his handsome face. I know Sirius is handsome; everyone knew Sirius was handsome, and so, I am not ashamed to admit the obvious fact.

A frown creased Remus' brow, and he sent a hidden glare in Sirius' direction.

" Eh, she's been jittery since last night. Real weird, like she's some sort of spastic teen hitting puberty. She doesn't know how to handle herself or others and she's just damn clumsy."

The other two listened with interest to my comment, and Remus lifted a curious brow.

" And what exactly happened last night?"

I shrugged carelessly, sighing as though the subject were dull and lifeless.

" We had sex."

The sound of Sirius choking on his brandy echoed throughout the comfortable confinement of my Study, almost an amusing music to my ears.

His glassy blue eyes were wide with shock and horror as he stared at me, gaping.

" You slept with the Ice Queen! How could you?" he sputtered indignantly. Remus rolled his eyes at the thickness that Sirius was portraying.

" Gee, Padfoot, maybe, just maybe, because she's his wife."

The catty comment almost made me grin; almost. I knew that right now was not the time or place to crack up. Just one of those gut instincts.

A crash sounded from another room, catching my attention as well as my two companions'. Rising to my feet quickly, I headed towards the sound.

Lily was backed against the wall, her face pale and expressionless. My eyes traveled her gaze to the source of the noise. A tawny brown owl had crashed through the window and now lay on its back motionless, a puddle of dark liquid pooling beneath its stiff body, staining red into the beige carpet. A large shard of broken glass had nearly decapitated it, its head still attached by a strip of flesh.

I fought down the horror and bile rising in my throat as its broken body began to move as life once again consumed it. Slowly, the owl corpse rose to its feet with difficulty, its head bobbing up and down across the torn stump of a neck. My eyes drifted up to Lily, who was shaking on spot.

She was causing it, though not on purpose. Along with being one of the world's greatest aurors, she was also one of the most powerful necromancers. She was blessed and cursed with the power to raise the dead, which seemed to be a bit of a problem when she lost control of her emotions.

A necromancer with a normal or weak power level would not radiate power like she did, and the owl would not have risen without the wizard's effort put behind it. I knew for a fact since the first time she told me about her problem in seventh year that she didn't like others to know about her unusual gift. And of course I understood why exactly.

To most wizards, the power to raise the dead was seen as a dark magic, only ever conducted by witch doctors and voodoo lords with a dark purpose. She never liked passing by cemeteries with fresh graves, just in case. We had no pets, not even a goldfish. Too many flushed goldfish had found their way back through the piping and into the toilet bowl, giving Lily quite a rude awakening in the middle of the nightly bathroom visits.

It would be funny if not for the fact that it was just plain freaky. When I had proposed to her in our favorite French restaurant, she had gotten so excited that dinner literally walked off of our plates. That was probably a sign from the Higher Power to just break things off right there. I mean, most married men just had to worry about their wives' cooking; I had to worry about dinner running off before she could cook it. We ordered a lot of takeout our first year of marriage.

The bird began shrieking blood-curdling screeches throughout the small room, making its way towards where Lily stood, immobile. I quickly strolled over to her side, bending down to whisper roughly in her ear.

" Lily, you have control over it. You're the only one who can put it to rest again."

She nodded, her eyes wide. She quietly pulled herself together, and began to chant the ancient ritual rights that would put the creature's soul to rest again. Five minutes later, the bird once again lay still in death. Her eyes rose to meet my own, and beyond that numb barrier and hateful exterior and could see the fearful green flame sparking to life within her emerald eyes.


	7. Roll of Thunder

Three thirty in the morning,  
Not a soul in sight,  
The city's lookin' like a ghost town  
On a moonless summer night.  
Raindrops on the windshield,  
There's a storm moving in.  
He's headin' back from somewhere  
That he never should have been.  
And the thunder rolls.  
And the thunder rolls.

Every light is burnin'  
In a house across town.  
She's pacin' by the telephone  
In her faded flannel gown.  
Askin' for a miracle,   
Hopin' she's not right,  
Prayin' it's the weather  
That's kept him out all night.  
And the thunder rolls.  
And the thunder rolls.

(Chorus)  
The thunder rolls  
And the lightnin' strikes.  
Another love grows cold  
On a sleepless night,  
As the storm blows on  
Out of control  
Deep in her heart  
The thunder rolls.

She's waitin' by the window  
When he pulls into the drive  
She rushes out to hold him  
Thankful he's alive   
Through all the wind and rain  
A strange new perfume blows  
And the lightnin' flashes in her eyes  
And he knows that she knows  
And the thunder rolls  
And the thunder rolls

chorus

She runs back down the hallway  
And through the bedroom door  
She reaches for the pistol  
kept in her dresser drawer  
Tells the lady in the mirror  
"He won't do this again"  
Because tonight will be the last time  
She'll wonder where he's been

The Thunder Rolls

Garth Brooks

James' POV 

Warm breath tickled my ear. Her hands traveled along my chest, smoothing the wrinkles from my dress shirt. Her petite form and rounded breasts felt exquisite molded against my side. I ran a lazy finger down the black silk formal that clung like a second skin to her lithe form, and an erotic moan escaped her lush lips. She tilted her head back, waiting for me to drop a kiss on those perfect lips. And then her eyes fluttered open, revealing bright blue irises instead of the dark green I'd been hoping to see.

Realization hit me like a kick in the genitals. The blonde in my arms was indeed gorgeous, but not the woman I had hoped to leave with tonight. I had never had a problem with sleeping with Arica before. She had certainly been entertaining in the past, and she was always quite capable of cooling the fire in my loins before. But something was different tonight. The woman in my arms did not warm me with her touch, only igniting a cold rush of guilt to fill the pit of my stomach.

My arms dropped to my side and I stepped back, shaking my head wordlessly. Her surprised eyes were the last thing I saw before avaporating.

Minutes later I was standing in the middle of my living room, basking in the warmth that emitted from the fireplace. The rain pattered harshly against the windowpanes, echoing loudly throughout the spacious house. Lightning flashed across the sky, and in that split second I noticed something red in the back yard.

Dropping my cloak on the couch, I stepped onto the back porch, my eyes adjusting to the darkness of night. Finally my gaze drifted over the garden, and I could not believe my eyes.

" Lily!" I shouted across the yard, but her head did not turn. She kneeled over the garden, pulling weeds with dirty hands, dressed only in her white underdress, a bottle of firewhiskey lying beside her.

I stepped out from under the covering, shuddering as the icy drops of rain pelted against my skin. I cringed noticing that she was already soaked.

" Lily?"

My voice was low, and her name came out barely a whisper. I hesitantly placed a hand on her bare shoulder, but she roughly shrugged it off, climbing most ungracefully to her feet.

Lightning flashed in her emerald eyes as a storm of doubt and pain played across her face. She knew exactly where I had been tonight. I had to hand it to her, the girl wasn't stupid. That was one of the many fine qualities that had first attracted me to her.

" Had fun tonight?" she croaked, barely audible over the wind and rain, but I heard her. I squeezed my eyes shut, suppressing the storm of guilt that threatened to overcome me, instead replacing it with anger. Anger was good. Anger I could control; guilt I couldn't.

" Since when do you give a shit where I am and who I sleep with? You hate me." My words were cold and emotionless. The next thing I knew the bottle of firewhiskey came flying past my head only to crash loudly behind me. Ok, the outcome was not going to be good.

" You asshole! You're right! Why the fuck should I care where the hell you go, or what you do! It's not like I bloody love you or anything."

I wasn't sure why, but for some reason her words stung me. It would have hurt less for her to slap me at that moment. I watched with a masked expression as she sunk to the ground on bloodied knees, tears running freely down her muddy, tear splattered cheeks. And yet, even in her dirty underclothes, even muddy and soaked, she had to be the most beautiful creature I've ever seen.

The freezing rain continued to pour down on us without mercy, and before rational thought could reach my brain, I had lifted her into my arms, cradling her sobbing form as I marched rather quickly to our house.

Behind me lightning flashed once more through the sky just before the roll of thunder crashed cruelly into the night. The storm was not yet to pass.


	8. Sweet Breath of Freedom

"_**All lies are derived from some form of truth."**_

Lily's POV 

My hand shook violently as I pressed the quill tip to the parchment, trying to calm myself enough to curl the tale of my _A_. My heart beat so violently I could swear it would leap forth from my chest. I was doing something I swore against years ago within the temple of the Goddess herself. I was breaking my vows.

My mother, being the devout Catholic she was, would have probably disowned me or at least be disappointed. But she was not here to scold me. I am a grown woman, or so I like to think. I am a big enough girl to make decisions like these. I was sure that this was the right thing to do. So why were tears spilling down my cheeks?

A hiccough escaped my parted lips and I set down my quill. This was it. My eyes scanned the bare room, seeing only his things remaining. I pushed myself up onto weak knees, praying my legs would support me enough to make it out of the door, because I knew that I was too emotional to apparate.

With trembling hands, I removed the diamond-studded band from my finger, gently setting it down beside the parchment on the mahogany desk. And then I turned away and fled the room, running until I was out of the house we had once called a home, running until I was far enough down the street that I could break down and mourn for our loss.

I would not be there when he finds the letter. I would not watch his face as he realizes that he has finally lost. I know how cowardly I am, for I have watched him mold me into this sickly creature. And as I walked away from our life, I breathed in my first breath of freedom in the dawning knowledge that he will hurt me no more.


	9. Alone

**If You're Gone **

**I think I've already lost you  
I think you're already gone.  
I think I'm finally scared now  
You think I'm weak - But I think you're wrong  
I think you're already leaving  
Feels like your hand is on the door  
I thought this place was an empire  
But now I'm relaxed - I can't be sure **

I think you're so mean - I think we should try  
I think I could need - this in my life  
I think I'm just scared - I think too much  
I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing

If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home  
There's an awful lot of breathing room  
But I can hardly move  
If you're gone - baby you need to come home  
Cuz there's a little bit of something me  
In everything in you

I bet you're hard to get over  
I bet the room just won't shine  
I bet my hands I can stay here  
I bet you need - more than you mind

I think you're so mean - I think we should try  
I think I could need - this in my life  
I think I'm just scared - that I know too much  
I can't relate and that's a problem  
I'm feeling

If you're gone - maybe it's time to go home  
There's an awful lot of breathing room  
But I can hardly move  
If you're gone - baby you need to come home  
cuz there's a little bit of something me  
In everything in you

I think you're so mean - I think we should try  
I think I could need - this in my life  
I think I'm just scared - do I talk too much  
I know it's wrong it's a problem I'm dealing

**-Matchbox 20**

James' POV

I was numb, with the exception of the growing pressure in my temple. Sirius sat across from me, trying to be helpful by bitching about my long-gone wife. He was not all that helpful. The mention of her only made the news worse, and the ache in my temple grew.

The now crumpled letter sat where I first found it on the Study desk. Her ring sat in my palm's center, now warm from the heat of my flesh. I dare not utter a word, for fear that tears would suddenly fall. And it is unacceptable for guys to cry, or so my father always told me.

Sirius and Remus had been with me when I found the note hours previously. I know that I could still look for her, but the gesture was pointless if she really wanted to leave. She had been the smart one in our relationship, and always had been.

Remus was quiet, calculating. His eyes were cold with the knowledge that what I had done was wrong, and Lily was very much right. I agreed with him. I had pushed her too far, tried to shun her from a life that was rightfully her's. She had been miserable with me, and in return I basked in her misery. What kind of monster was I? She had once told me that I was society's creation. I had laughed at the remark then, not truly understanding the weight of her words. And she was right.

I watched as Sirius sloppily poured a good sum of vodka into a scotch glass, adding no ice or anything else. I hated vodka, and honestly had no idea how it ever managed to enter our house- or I suppose now it's my house. He slammed it down in front of me, and some of the drink sloshed out the glass and onto the deep mahogany of the coffee table. My gaze drifted up to his face, and I watched in pure interest as an expression of utter brilliance crossed his face. He actually thought he was being helpful by getting me drunk, so that tomorrow, when I wake up, I'll have a hangover and still feel like shit. Brilliance is overrated.

I picked up the glassed warily, swirling the clear liquid around in the glass, watching with no actual interest as a small funnel formed.

Sirius then began to verbally thrash the memory of my wife once more, and once more the vein in Remus' temple popped up in aggravation.

" I'd like to be alone now." And I spoke no more, nor did I change my body language or look up. I simply stared down into my luke-warm drink until I heard the refreshing popping sounds of them apparating. At last, I was alone. All alone in this big house. No friends, no family, no wife. How lucky could a guy get?

I stood slowly, strolling lazily around the Study, my feet scuffling along the beige carpet. My eyes drifted along all of the framed photographs that hung on the walls. My gaze paused on the picture of our wedding day. We were both smiling, trying to look serious long enough to get the picture over with. I'm afraid we barely succeeded.

And suddenly her voice filled my head, the sound of her laughter, the scent of her hair, and the joyous picture of our wedding day mocked me, her eyes judging and taunting. With a rush of adrenaline my hand slammed into the glass picture frame, repeatedly, until only the pain of glass shards buried in my palm stopped me.

I slid my throbbing hand away, letting it fall limp to my side. My gaze traveled up to the photograph once more, back up to her blood-streaked face, and I smiled bitterly.

" Good luck out there, Lily."

**A/N: Hey, there. Thanx to everyone for the reviews. Im sorry it takes so long to post, its just that school's a bitch, y'kno. Im also sorry that the chaps are so short, but I promise that Im building up to a bigger one. I just have to work my way up.. Like the next one should be pretty long, and Ive already started. Plus Im thinking about writing a branch off story about How they fell in love, or basically the prequel that works up to the failed marriage. So please just hang with me a bit longer, I swear I am trying.**

**Thanx.**

**Ishbu girl**


	10. Lost in Thought

**My Immortal**

** Lily's POV**

_**" The most bittter of hates is broken love."**_

Ashe was 5'8, an inch taller than me, and almost short for a man. His golden eyes had an upward tilt and always held a sort of quiet laughter in them, nothing like the cold eyes of James, or like my own. He had a grace to his movements that were almost feminine, though not quite, and I was not surprised in the least to find out that he was descended from a bloodline of Faye.

The Faye in general are luminescent creatures, usually elf or faerie-kind. In his case, he was descended from elves, which explained his feminine looks and manner. But he was not in any way girlish. Though I would call him more beautiful than handsome, he was the beauty found in men, the breathless work or art that you longed to stare at for hours, that your mind craved to remember every curve of his face.

I met him at a rock concert in Paris almost two months previously. He was the musician on stage. With his personal request of wishing to meet the "famed" Lily Evans, I met him behind stage after the show. Apparently, my name was still widely known in the wizarding world.

And here we are, two months later, wrapped up in my green, silk sheets, only the sounds of his labored breathing filling the room. Oh, did I mention he was great in bed?

I still can't believe that it has been almost six months since James and I separated. It was strange to be away from him. It seems since we were eleven we were constantly up each other's ass, whether fighting or loving. It was almost like I was taking a long relaxing vacation, only there is no going back now. I'm not real sure that I want to. I'm quite happy being anywhere but England right now, and it didn't sound like such a bad idea if I never returned.

Ashe spoke, his words muffled by the pillow of my breasts. I gently lifted his face from in between the valley of my chest, a silent laughter bubbling within his eyes.

"Now, please repeat what you just said."

My voice was raspy from the lack of sleep, and he only shook his head.

" I asked you what you were thinking about exactly. You always go into heavy thought after we make love, _mon chere_."

His voice was heavy with accent, and I tried to hide my frown. I hated when he pried. My business was my business, and he just never seemed to understand that. But I faked a smile, and placed a kiss on his lush lips.

" Just zoning out, again. I get that way when I'm worn out."

A smirk quirked his lips upward, and he propped himself above me, until our faces were mere centimeters apart.

" Well, then I suppose you're not up for another round?"

My breasts were suddenly heavy with the weight of lust, and lower parts of my body grew warm at the thought of what our bodies had done, of what they might do again.

And through trembling lips I sighed, my breath suddenly lost from me.

" Oh, I don't know about that."

His lips descended on mine, dragging a moan from the back of my throat. Our bodies tangled together in a ritual as old as time itself. A shudder ran across my fevered flesh as his mouth traveled in practiced movements across my skin. As he found a particularly sensitive spot, my mouth opened in a silent scream.

" Oh God…"

Oh, God indeed.

**A/N: I know I said the chapter would be longer this time, but I wanted to update, and I don't like posting Lily and James POV in the same chapter. Just one of those anal moments with me. So, Im sorry this is so short, but I do have most of the next chapter typed and hopefully will be posted soon. My apologies for the time, my computer has been in and out of the shop, and I keep losing info from my constantly crashing hardrive. I am currently writing on my dad's computer, which means that anything I type in the little time given to type, must be saved on a disk. So, im sorry if the chapters are short or not correct. Whatever, youll get over it. Now, thanks so much for all of the reviews and words of encouragement. It makes me so happy to know that my work is enjoyed. And if you have any questions or ever just want to chat, just send me a message over fanfic, and as long as I can answer the questions, I will.**


	11. Hell On Earth

James' POV 

My eyes fluttered open as sleep drifted away, but as soon as they opened they quickly squeezed shut in defense of the rays of sunshine drifting in from the bedroom window. I was not in my own bed, so where was I? And then memories flooded back as the hangover settled in. I was in one of the guest bedrooms. My own room seemed too lonely, the bed too big and empty. My hand shot out and groped blindly for my wand on the nightstand. Bottles and trash crashed to the floor and my hand collided with the mess on the table. Finally, with a jolt of succession, my hand clasped my wand, and with a swish, the heavy curtains closed over the window, blocking the intrusive light from my vision.

At some point I managed to drag myself out of bed and into the shower, remembering that I had work. As the hot water crashed down onto my body, I began to feel more like myself again, whatever that means. I let the water run over me as though I could wash away my sins and fears, as the though the water could cleanse my soul as well as my body. Mystic shit like that only happened in stories and books, like King Arthur and the Bible. I wasn't even religious. Once upon a time I had been, but somewhere along the line of my life, whether it be work or the war, I lost faith.

I have seen with my own eyes what horrors are displayed in this world. I have seen what human beings can do to their own kind; what they can do out of fear and entertainment. I have seen the horrors of war as a boy, and it made me into the man I am today. I have known love and heartache, and I have known the temptation of sin. And every single aspect that I have seen or known in my life makes me question- how could there be a divinity so cruel as to let this happen?

I know the horrors of war. Every day grows worse and every moment of life is questioned. Will there be a tomorrow? Will a new dawn every break? I do not know if there is a heaven, but I know that no hell could be worse than life as we know it.

ZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZ

My hair dried into its usual mass of unruly curls, and looked strangely sloppy with my white dress shirt and black slacks. The office bustled with aurors, ministry workers, and the newbies from the academy.

I spotted Moody in the front of the conference room, looking as though he might strangle one of the new kids. Then, a woman standing beside him turned, speaking quietly only to him as if sharing a private joke. He laughed out loud, before taking a swig from the flask on his hip. Her familiar features were a shock to me as the image of my older sister sank in.

What the fuck was Helena doing here? She turned smoothly to face my direction, frowning at my apparent gawking.

I quickly made my way to where she was standing, preparing my ego for a bruising. She was always one to carry ego-piercing weapons, as Lily used to say.

Though she was naturally tall, the stiletto heels helped the appearance of long legs. The dark purple silk of her robes brought out the hues of violet and brown in her hazel eyes. She always was dressed looking like royalty, and the way she acted sometimes, you might guess she was.

" Where's the husband and kid at?"

She sniffed disdainfully at my manner of speech before answering me, her gaze drifting up and down my appearance.

" Robert has business to attend to in Columbia, and Mary is with the nanny. But enough of this, we need to talk, and it should not be done in such a manner here of all places. Come now, we are going to lunch, my treat."

I opened my mouth to protest, but she quickly shot me the _shut up or die glare_ that she inherited from my mother. I flinched once beneath the weight of her gaze before I was able to look away and compose myself.

" Sure, lunch sounds great." That was a complete lie, because my stomach was screaming at me from the wild night before, silently cursing me for filling myself with the toxic crap. I don't think I ever want to touch another bottle of fire whiskey in my life. Actually, last night had been the first time I had touched alcohol in months. I only drank on Sirius's insistence, since it was a guys' night. Remus is in even worse condition than I am this morning. Of course, three bottles of tonic will do that to you.

I followed Helena off of the floor and down to the main lobby. Anyone was able to aparate into the ministry of magic, but not onto the auror division. It helped with psychos popping in on you unprepared.

She chose a classy Italian restaurant in the main square of London. We had barely ordered drinks and she started interrogating.

" So what is this I hear about Lily leaving?"

I raised my eyebrows at her remark, before sighing, tired. I was tired of answering everyone's God-damned questions about my personal life.

" It's just as you just said. Lily left."

Scorn burned within her eyes, her pupils dilating in anger.

" Don't be a smart- ass, little brother. When did she leave? Are you actually divorced, or just separated?"

I leaned back in my chair, my eyes blank of all emotion. Lily called it my poker face, said I used it on the job a lot. Hers was always better. She had no heart, no emotions when she went into her quiet zone. That was where she went when she killed, where she went when she was uncomfortable or upset. I saw that face many times over the past two years.

" We are not divorced, yet. Please don't tell me that the reason you came all the way from the Netherlands was to dig into my broken marriage. They make television and soap operas for drama needers like you."

Her lips curled back from her clenched teeth, malice burning bright in her violet eyes. Her perfectly manicured nails tapped a furious rhythm into the thick mahogany wood of the table.

" Mother called me up, crying because she was afraid she wouldn't be able to speak with her daughter-in-law again. You know how much she loved her. You should write or visit her, you haven't spoken to her and father in almost a year. She's been worried sick over you. But to answer your question, no, I am not just down here for your broken marriage. Alastor Moody called me down to help out. The shortage of aurors is becoming a great problem around here. They're barely able to keep Hogwarts safe anymore, much less keep muggles from dying."

She paused and took a long drink of her tea, her cheeks flushed from anger.

I placed my head in my hands, rubbing the tiredness from my eyes, though I could not disguise it from my voice.

" Look, I'll write mum, ok. I can't promise anything because of the auror shortage, but I'll try to take some time off and go visit, alright." I looked up to watch the frustration leak from her features, and a soft smile tilted her lips upwards. She nodded, and we ordered, finally coming to an agreement for the first time in many years.


	12. Breathe

**Lily's POV**

My head dipped backwards, barely dodging the blade that was slicing through the air. Its wielder grunted angrily, thrusting the sword a few more times in hopes of killing me. My question is why do they always send the stupid ones on assassination attempts?

The blade swung lower, closer to my stomach, causing me to fall backwards onto my ass with my attempt to dodge the blow. The fall hurt, but not as much as the blade slicing into my arm. Damn, yet another scar to add to my collection.

I quickly scampered across the cold tiles, which were already stained red under the flow of blood from my new wound. Why were Deatheaters suddenly carrying weapons along with wands?

Gibbon lunged at me once more, his bulky form not at all graceful as he skidded across the slippery blood soaked floor. My hand groped for my wand, which had been knocked out of my hand some ten minutes ago. Wilkes, who I had managed to knock onto the floor, rather roughly, had come to in the past few minutes, and was now fully capable of aiding his companion.

This was pissing me off. I was one of the world's best aurors, and here I was getting wasted by two dumb-ass Deatheaters. No, this wasn't right at all. Gibbon had one of my arms pinned above my head as he straddled my body. However, no one seemed to realize that my other arm was tucked at my side, wand in hand.

" Scream for me, lil' auror. I wanna hear you scream." His words were slurred, and the faint smell of whiskey on his breath explained it all. Wilkes had knelt over me and held a handful of my hair in hand large hand, roughly jerking my head about. He grinned wickedly, baring blackened teeth at me, and a ripe stench of body odor met my nose.

Gibbon's face leered down at me, his hand moving to undo his pants. I took this moment to curse Wilkes off of me. Thank the goddess that Gibbon was a slow-minded fool. He scowled and moved to restrict my hands, but I managed to head-butt him in the face. He swore profusely, his nose gushing blood, his eyes already turning black. I've never head butted anyone before, only witnessed James and Sirius in the action. I have to admit that it hurt to the bloody hells. I guess it works best if your head is as thick as theirs.

I clambered to my feet rather hastily, knocking Gibbon into the nearest wall with a strong spell. It was times like this that I was grateful I was top in our class in Charms. It was too bad that I didn't see Wilkes' hand before it slammed into my face. And I was once more knocked onto my ass ungracefully, the whole side of my left face bursting in pain. I could feel it swelling already. Blood seeped from my busted lip, but I ignored it and hexed him into oblivion.

I kicked his wand from his hands, and then aimed at Gibbon, silver chords shooting from my wands to wrap around him, binding him so he couldn't move. I looked over at Wilkes, who lay unmoving in a puddle of his own blood. I knew he was dead; could feel my necromancy stirring just from being near him.

Sighing, I leaned against my kitchen counter, re-learning how to breathe. When I have cooled off, I would go and scribble a letter to the Ministry, explaining that I'd caught two Deatheaters and to send over guards. And then I'd call the coroner to come and pick up the remains of my slaughtered boyfriend from the bathroom floor, before I called my landlord and inform him that my apartment was in ruins. Then, perhaps a cup of tea, before I headed for the shower and would let myself have a complete mental breakdown. But until then, I would just breathe.

000

Nighttime fell and went, full of wizards moving in and out of my flat. It was morning before I was even able to make it to my bedroom. As I pulled back the sheets of my bed, a tawny brown owl swooped in and landed on my mattress, a gold outlined letter in its beak. A furious cry escaped my raw throat, and I roughly yanked the letter from the bird's beak. With an angry hoot, it flew away.

It was a letter from the Ministry- Alastor Moody, actually. It was requested (ordered) that I return to London and sort over some things with the head auror department (unclearly stated what the conditions were) as soon as possible.

I crumpled the letter up and threw it across my bedroom, watching as it landed on my dresser. So many emotions rolled over me as I climber beneath my sheets, alone. Fury, loneliness, fear, heartache, etc. I did not love Ashe, but he was a dear friend, and had become a part of my routined life. It would be strange to not have him around. I suppose I would return to England after the funeral.

I would be safer there anyways. I was running out of places to live in Paris. Deatheaters kept trashing my apartments. So I suppose, that no matter how hard I try to avoid going home, it was inevitable, which meant that so was avoiding James.

A sigh escaped my lips as I waved off the lights, letting sleep consume me in its blanket of nothingness.

**A/N: Im sorry that its been so long and that the chapter is so short. Ive had the worst writers block. Actually, this is like the fifth time Ive rewritten this chapter...but finally its how I wanted it. So, please forgive me. I hope to put up another chapter before I leave for Washington. Atleast show her going back home.**


	13. Where Did I Go Wrong

_**Step one you say we need to talk  
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk  
He smiles politely back at you  
You stare politely right on through  
Some sort of window to your right  
As he goes left and you stay right   
Between the lines of fear and blame  
And you begin to wonder why you came**_

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best  
Cause after all you do know best  
Try to slip past his defense  
Without granting innocence  
Lay down a list of what is wrong  
The things you've told him all along  
And pray to God he hears you  
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness   
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice  
You lower yours and grant him one last choice  
Drive until you lose the road   
Or break with the ones you've followed  
He will do one of two things  
He will admit to everything  
Or he'll say he's just not the same  
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness   
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend   
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life  
How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life 

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

_**The Fray**_

James' POV 

Numb. Every fiber of your being is just numb, as that first shockwave of emotions comes crashing down on you all at once. And every instinct screams to life as your mind fights the concept and remains in denial. Your heart will race like there is no tomorrow, and a fine sheen of sweat will cover your clammy flesh. The room will suddenly grow hot, just as chills begin to creep down your spine, sending you into a fit of shakes. This will be your reaction when the woman you once loved returns to your life. I know this personally, for the same symptoms took over me as my long departed wife stepped into the spacious auror conference hall.

She was so different from how she looked a year ago. She had cut her long hair off at about the chin, leaving it to wave messily in a bob. She had reverted back to her glasses instead of contacts, a factor that framed her gorgeous eyes. She seemed to wear an air of confidence that I hadn't seen in years, but it was almost bitter, her features hard from the excess of emotional abuse that seems to come with the job.

Her blue jeans were torn and stained with God-knows-what, her red tank top faded and wrinkled beneath her leather jacket. Her nails, which had stayed perfectly manicured for the past seven years, were broken off and covered with chipped black polish. The black mascara, of which she wore rather thickly, was smeared. She was the most breathtaking wreck I have ever come across in my life, and yet I knew she was more stable than I ever would be, because she had that small bit of insanity to keep her sane, that reckless personality to make sure life still went on.

A shriek sounded from the back before all that was seen was a blur of bright blue robes a muffled _umph_, as Lily was knocked into the wall. Alice was holding on to her for dear life, crying in happiness over her friend's return.

" Ge' 'er ufa mmm…" was the only thing close to words that Lily managed to extricate from her lips. Frank hurriedly rushed over and pried his wife off of her.

" Thanks." Lily mumbled as she rubbed her neck, taking shallow breaths to calm her pulse. Alice began apologizing, her blonde curls bobbing up and down with the frantic jerking of her head. She looked like a bobble head Shirley Temple. Creepy indeed.

I sat hidden in my dark corner of the room, like a wild animal forced to turn prey to a much scarier creature. Funny how frightening women can be. I averted my eyes from her- I had to, for fear of my heart ripping its way out of my chest.

She laughed, her head thrown back, a new light entering her eyes. I hadn't seen her laugh in years, and I was jealous- jealous that something other than me could bring out that reaction. Suddenly, possessiveness overwhelmed me, reminding me of my teen years more than anything. What was becoming of us? Why were we suddenly reverting back to our post-adolescent years, back to the kids we were in school? It honestly made no sense to me.

She made her way through the room, through the old friends and colleagues, stopping and embracing or simply chatting with each. I could feel Sirius's gaze from the side of me, his calculating and pitying gaze burning a hole in my impenetrable shields. I continued to ignore him.

Time seemed to slow as she walked closer towards me, the world revolving around her every step, and as she stopped, so did time itself. Her eyes widened not in horror, but more of a sheer fascination as they met my own. Our surroundings disappeared, leaving just the two of us in our own fucked up harmony. The only noise overriding the sound of silence was my pulse pounding in my head, the blood rushing in my ears. I watched fearful as her lips parted, and in a low voice she spoke.

" Hello, James."

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Lily's POV

" Hello, James."

I am not particularly sure how I managed to speak the words without vomiting, but thankfully I did. He looked good, other than the fact that he seemed to be quite unsure and confused. It was a strange site to say the least, for I have very rarely ever seen him lose his natural _cool_. I would say that he looked the same as he did a year ago, but that would be a lie. He was dressed the same. He still wore a white button up dress shirt and black slacks with contacts, having stopped wearing glasses since a year after we married. But his eyes and posture held more than words could describe. He was no longer a zombie, his eyes giving way to the emotions that burned within his blue-green irises. And…he was vulnerable, once more a mortal just like the rest of us pathetic humans. Oh, how we have changed in a year's time.

He did not answer me, just simply stared. Truly, I never expected an answer. I was surprised that he gave me the courtesy of eye contact, but than again, I was not expecting to find a different man when I returned. I don't think either of us moved a muscle as we stared the minutes away, and I even had to remember to breathe. Moody's voice snapped me out of my reverie, and I blinked a few times before turning around, turning away from James.

And when I turned back around, he was gone.

I stayed at the Ministry late into the night, catching up on the latest news of Voldemort and his lovely supporters with Alastor. Apparently they were losing aurors fast due to the abundant attacks by Deatheaters. Perhaps I would have felt guilt at leaving if I didn't know that just as many horrid things were happening everywhere else. You can't save 'em all.

It was past midnight by the time I exited the building, but I still had one more stop to make before I could sleep. With a heartless sigh, I apparated to the Potter Manor, knowing that James would still be awake even in this hour of the night.

And I found myself correct as I quietly stepped into the den, setting my eyes upon his tormented figure. He stood before the fire, watching it as though dear life depended on it, never removing his gaze. I watched the rise and fall of his chest through the thin material of his white undershirt.

" We need to talk." My words cut into the thickening silence like a sharp knife. My eyes observed as his muscles tensed beneath the coverings of the material, and yet he managed to keep his breathing the same.

" And?"

His voice wasn't quite natural, and yet the sound of it sent shivers racing down my spine. This was ridiculous. I was beginning to feel like a teenager with a crush, and I was almost thirty. This would not do.

He turned away from the fire, never once looking at me and proceeded towards the staircase. I followed after him.

" James! We can't avoid each other for the rest of our lives."

He turned towards me suddenly, anger burning in his eyes.

" Why not? You avoided me for a year. Even got your self a new boyfriend. Why not just keep avoiding me for the rest of your life?"

His words were bitter and cold, but if he wanted to play this game, than I would be a participant too.

" And what about all of the other girlfriends you kept when we were still living together? I had the courtesy to leave your ass before I rubbed it in your face at least." I could feel tears prickling my eyes. I have never brought up the topic of his other companions before now, and I wasn't too thrilled about doing it, either.

He paled, his eyes full of pain and guilt, and he leaned against the staircase banister, using it for support as he slipped down to the carpeted steps. I ran a hand through my hair, my fingers working through the knots. With a cry of frustration, I went and plopped down besides him on the steps, letting my head drop down to my hands. By the time I was able to look up again, the tears had begun to fall from my eyes, burning trails of fire down my cheeks. I swiped at my eyes childishly with the back of my hand, knowing that smears of mascara stained my cheeks. He stilled stared forward, his mask already crumbled just as mine had.

" I don't know where we went wrong, James, but we did. We were awful to each other, so awful. We were both in the wrong. And, finally I realized that we couldn't fix anything together, we had to be apart. One of us had to leave, James, and you know it." I paused, trying to catch my breath in between sobs. I sniffled, my nose already running. I must have looked a wreck. Shaking my head, I continued on.

" You see, I believe it started when my parents died five years ago. And then our friends began dying, people we knew in school. I was constantly frightened of losing more of those that I loved. I was frightened of more pain that would come each day. And then you lost your brother, Eric, and I watched as you fought his overwhelming loss. I watched from the side as you plunged into the most dangerous missions, the suicide missions, anything to get your mind off of him. And I was so scared James, I was so scared that I would lose you, that I pushed you away instead. I pushed you away when you needed me most, because I was so frightened that I would lose the most important thing in my life. And, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I was that selfish. I'm sorry that I was too weak to support you, to have held you when you cried. I am so sorry…"

I felt my lower lip quiver as a fresh spill of tears poured down my cheeks and my shoulders shook with violent sobs. His hand tightened on mine, and before I could register the fact, he had pulled me into his embrace, his own quiet sobs echoing my own. As he buried his face in my neck, I found comfort in his heartbeat against my chest. It felt so natural to be close to him again, and yet so foreign. He was still the boy I once learned to love, just as he was the man I had tried to hate. But I could not hate him. As long as my heart still beat, I could not hate him.

**A/N: hello, there. I am finally out of my writer's block. Yay! The rain will never stop here, and I am going crazy….but anywho…I do hope you like this chap. This one is very important to the story, because it explains so much, so it took a while for me to write. I've been writing on it since before I left for Washington, and have been correcting and rewriting it since. So…enjoy.**


	14. The Bride Stripped Bare

_He grinned boyishly, his handsome face glowing with happiness. An unladylike snort passed my lips as he bent his head, his lips blowing raspberries along my shoulder. The bed of grass and wildflowers tickled my neck and ears, the song of the sparrows whispering forbidden promises to me, just as he was doing. I could see the outline of Hogwarts in the distance, standing in all of its practicality and strength. But I didn't want to be practical…I didn't want to be strong and smart. I wanted to lie in the field of wildflowers forever, with James in my arms whispering sweet promises along my skin._

" _You're going to marry me, you know."_

_I arched an eyebrow at his proposal, my lips quirking into a grin._

" _Oh, am I?" I questioned him coyly. He ducked his head, pressing his lips against the hollow in my throat._

" _Yes. You will be Mrs. Lillian Potter."_

" _Mrs. Potter." _

" Mrs. Potter."

The voice snapped me out of my reverie, steering me off of memory lane. That was another time completely; a happier time.

Now I stood before a council of stuck up wizards who were analyzing my every move and word, waiting for an excuse to screw me over big time. They would find something wrong with me, and I would be stripped of everything. I know this, because I was expecting it.

A chaotic craze had consumed the wizarding community as of late. It was like a Red Scare epidemic all over again. People were ready to point fingers at anyone to get the blame off of their own backs, and honestly, more innocent people had been hurt than the real criminals. Don'cha just love the legal system.

I rose shakily to my feet, praying that they would not notice my poor composure. They could not do this. It was wrong and illegal on so many moral levels. And yet they would gladly take all the essence of the career that made up my life, and they would become heroes in the eyes of the people. Screw the fact that I had put more Deatheaters behind bars than half of the aurors combined; I was evil in the eyes of the public if the council said so.

" Mrs. Potter, the council has pondered diligently over the speculation of your association with He Who Must Not Be Named."

" Oh, and what speculation is that?" I spat out venomously, my eyes narrowed in accusation.

" We have come to the conclusion that, by means of sturdy evidence, you are in league with the dark lord himself. And with this conclusion, we hearby denounce you of your Auror title and ministry position."

" Wait just a bloody fucking minute!"

I could feel my face turning a deep shade of crimson as the anger overwhelmed me.

" What evidence do hold that adds up to this conclusion?"

The head Council member leaned forward, his hairy lip curly back in distaste.

" Mrs. Potter, it seems rather suspicious that you disappeared a few months previous, right when _He _was making a rather large move over England."

I crinkled my nose in disbelief.

" I left on personal issues; issues that had nothing to do with my job."

About half of the council members gave curious, disbelieving glares. I sighed, knowing that this might be harder to argue than I had presumed.

" And what exactly were these personal matters involving, Mrs. Potter?"

" I left my husband, about a year ago. I wasn't quite ready to face him just yet, so I left the country and traveled through France for a while. Honestly, you can ask anyone who was close to us- we were not the hot couple people saw in Witch Weekly."

" And do you honestly believe that the court will not find it at all suspicious that your lover at the time was brutally massacred in your Parisian apartment only about three weeks previous before your return to London? You may claim murder on his death from a Deatheater attack, but my question for you Mrs. Potter is why would Voldemort be so keen on hunting you down, unless you were in some way connected to him?"

My face must have shown my astonishment, for a devilish grin slithered across his thick face at the moment I met their gazes head on.

" Why the bloody hell does he do anyone in? If I knew what went through that perverse little mind of his, we'd have caught the naughty bastard by now! And yet the few honest wizards the world has trying to stop him get their bottoms paddled instead. There is something seriously wrong with this fucking government. So much for a fair trial. We can easily tell what the biased opinion is here."

" Mrs. Potter, this is England. If you wanted a fair trial you should have marched your arse to the states. But since you are not American, and are in fact, British, you get the privilege of being judged before us. God save the Queen, aye love?"

Grinding my teeth together, I threw a murderous glance at them all before allowing the security guards to escort me out of the courtroom.

" You'll all get yours' some day!" I hurled back at them, pleased to have gotten my last word in before I was stripped of my pride.

**A/N: Kay, Im sorry about the QUEEN comment. nothing against her or her nationality...in fact I cheer on the ole' mum. I was just trying to show how Lily was being screwed over, and how Great Brittania is no longer her ally anymore. It was all written in haste, or atleast summed up in haste because I was trying to get itposted before vacation. So of course it kinda sucked. Going through writers block at the moment people, not to mention sleep deprivation. So once more, Im sorry if you were offended by that, I didnt mean anything bad...it was just a crappy comeback I wrote while watching "V for Vendetta"- It has been changed. As for the swearing, if you dont like that, I dont give a rat's ass, she has a foul mouth, because its reality. I have a foul mouth as do most of my friends. Its the way we talk.**


	15. Licking Thy Wounds

James' POV

He was on his third round of shots and had moved on to drinking straight from the bottle by the time I found him. I had never seen Remus so smashed other than at my Bachelor party. His spine curved as he bent over the bar counter, his eyes squeezed shut with the effort of not hurling. I shook my head, chuckling remorsefully as I made my way to where he perched.

The barstool was cold and rough beneath my bum, no trace of warmth or comfort that he was apparently getting from it. I rested my head against the perch of my hand, absorbing my surroundings with distaste. I was always one who preferred to drink in private, savoring the bitter taste of loneliness with each swig of rum I swallowed. He had always been there to help me when I had become so piss-headed drunk, and now it was my turn to play referee.

" Remus." I coaxed his attention gently, my voice firm and soft. A few minutes later he lifted his head and peered up at me with bloodshot eyes so full of pain that I almost flinched. But then a huge grin spread across his face.

" Ah, James! Good. You're…you're here to celebrate with me. Did'ja hear the news? I'm gonna be gettin' some off time. I'll have loads of time to..to pick up a hobbie or somefin'." The smile broke and his face twisted into a sneer. He balled his hand into a fist, banging it in a fierce rhythm against the counter.

" The Ministry is a real piece of work, James. We've been wasting our lives. We spend five years training, working our asses off to be the best so that we can do something right in the world. And yet we only end up serving a bunch of crooks in the end. I…I've been screwed over so hard that I'm ball-less. They took everything from me, James. They found out what I am; claimed that I must be a spy of Greyback's, working for the Darklord. I've been stripped of my position and I now have my identification of being a creature of the night stamped in fat red letters across my records. I'm fucked, mate."

I opened my mouth to say some words of comfort, whether they be lies or not, when I was interrupted.

" Aren't we all, my dear."

My mouth dropped in surprise as Lily slid into the seat on the other side of Remus, receiving some pretty lewd looks from other bystanders.

The sardonic smile that crossed tightly across her pale face answered the unasked questions that lolled on the back of my tongue. Shock raced through me, and yet my features remained stoic and unreadable.

Remus locked a questionable gaze with her own. He was oblivious to current matters other than his pain and the numbing effect of alcohol. Lilly patted his hand affectionately, her gaze wandering up to search my face.

" It seems that you and I are currently sailing in the same sinking ship, my friend."

Her words were cryptic, her tone somber. And yet when I stared at her face, only an airy smile shaped her lips upward, her eyes fogged and unreadable.

" Oh Goddess…I think I'm going to puke." Remus moaned from his spot in between us. His face was a light pallor of green and yellow, signs of upcoming bile.

I hooked an arm around his waist, nodding to Lily to mimic my actions. And then I opened my eyes within the den of my own home, a very sick werewolf regurgitating God knows what onto the marble tile.

**XXXxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxXXX**

I waited for the water to cool as I ran the washrag beneath the flowing stream. I glanced up, my eyes locking on the picture behind my own reflection in the mirror.

Lily was leaning against the tub, her legs spread out across the marble tiles of the bathroom floor. Remus was curled in her lap in an odd sort of fashion, his forehead resting against the toilet seat and his eyes squeezed shut. I watched, almost enviously as she ran a motherly hand through his sweat soaked hair, brushing tendrils back from his face. These sorts of things always came so naturally to women, and I was grateful she was there to comfort him so I wouldn't have to fail so miserably at it.

I wrung the excess water from the rag before I pressed it to his fevered neck. A groan escaped his lips and he wretched again, this time making it into the bowl of the latrine. He then collapsed, passing out from his body's total exhaustion. With a quick heave I lifted his frail body off of Lily, carrying to the guest bedroom next door.

Lily watched my movements with careful eyes, standing quietly against the doorframe. Her hair was a wreck. Her eyes and nose were puffy from crying, and she was covered in my friend's puke. And I never thought she could ever be more stunning. She always had that sort of effect on me. Her presence was bewitching, captivating and luring me into her power…and she had no idea she was doing it.

I cleared my throat, sure that my voice would be unnatural when I spoke.

" I suppose you need to clean up."

She nodded and smiled mischeiviously.

" Don't worry, James. I still remember where the shower and clothes are located. "

I nodded quickly, the only thoughts going through my mind were that I wish she didn't remember. I wish that I could guide her to the shower and then…

I squeezed my eyes shut, my breathing turning shallow. I turned away with effort, desire singing in my blood. Hopefully she wouldn't notice the forming bulge in my pants and just go shower.

I decided to busy myself with a task while she cleaned herself up. I put water on to boil for tea while I scrambled two eggs and toasted bread.

Music tinkled softly in the background, wafting from the phonograph in the kitchen corner. I hummed to the unknown tune out loud, not realizing at the time that I was being watched. When I turned was when I saw her, standing so innocently against the wall, one of my white work shirts enveloping her frame along with a pair of my old boxers.

She looked so seductive and inviting, and a pang of nostalgia hit me just behind the sternum. It used to be so natural for her to scamper around in my clothing, half naked and teasing. Now we both had careful barriers extended between ourselves.

We ate in comfortable silence, sometimes making small talk over the noise of the radio. When the meal was finished, she insisted on washing the dirtied dishes, and scampered off with my plate before I could object.

And so I watched from my seat and she swayed to the music as she scrubbed the dishes, her dainty feet weaving patterns into the smooth tiles of the floor.

Without hesitation, I rose from my chair and shuffled to a spot behind her, gently taking her soapy hands into my own. With a swift pull she was in my arms, a shocked expression etched into her face. I carefully placed her hand against my shoulder, taking the other into my own to lead. We fell into step so naturally that no words were needed; only our gazes remained locked.

Our bodies moved comfortably together with the rhythm, remembering old habits and learning new ones. I liked the way she felt in my arms, the way her damp hair felt through my shirt as her head lay against my shoulder. And her scent lulled me into a relaxed trance, the simple smell of her making me think of home. She was and would forever be, my home.

**A/N: Ok, hope you guys liked this chapter better. Once more, sorry about the whole Queen thing, I changed it. Did not mean to offend anyone, and I am a huge fan of Britain. I was simply watching good ole V for Vendetta while typing the end to the lousy chapter, and I was trying to express her anger with the Ministry. So, whatever….former apology in previous chapter, and I have changed the statement. Sorry…but if you're a writer you understand that we have these crappy days for writing. Anywho, I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

**Love**

**Natasha**


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